krysti.net

Recently, Facebook was praised for the inspiration of a new word: “defriend” or “unfriend”.
Please.
If Webster is desperate for new words, he is welcome around my dinner table anytime.
For example:
When we went night sledding, after our big once a year Virginia snow, my 8 year old put ‘Awesome’ and ‘Wicked’ together to express his rush at the bottom of a fast hill.
“That was SWICKED!”
My 6 year old is constantly making up words. I don’t even think he’s from this planet. He’s like my alien baby from the future.
“Mommy”, after deep thought, “you know the part at the top of the Christmas tree that has no hooks?”
“Yeah”
“That’s called a ’swerble’.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah, and do you know what a ‘clarkma’ is?”
“No, what?”
“That’s an unbreakable glass. You can make ornaments out of it and they won’t break if they fall off the ’swerble’.”
“Oh, got it!”
Even as a baby, his bottle was a ‘Hoo Hoo’. (We are in Cavalier country!) Airplanes were ‘Va Vuffs’ and cucumbers were ‘Wo Wos’.
This was a child, whose preschool teacher had no idea, on any given day, what he was saying during circle time show and tell. She just nodded her head and smiled at him.
Last year, he was referred for speech therapy. After 2 evaluations, they didn’t see anything wrong.
That’s because, he’s my brilliant son, who invents better words than Facebook.
Just keep your eyes out for a new dictionary. A step above Webster. A dictionary, written by my little word genius. One that will stand the test of time as it is made of clarkma.

The stiffness in my neck wasn’t the only thing that made me realize I was wide awake and not going back to sleep at 3am.
There, in my weary haze, I saw the vision of my very tall and lanky 6 year old son.
He had managed to nestle his way between me and Alex in our queen sized bed.
Queen sized beds are huge if you don’t have kids. Once the family begins, I do recommend a king.

Me:
“Liam, honey, you are much bigger now and coming to sleep with mommy and daddy doesn’t work anymore, we can’t all fit.”

Liam:
“But mommy I had a bad nightmare.”

Me thinking:
is there a good nightmare?
Me:
“Well, what was it about?”

Liam:
“Well, King Kong came and took me and threw me all the way to Goo-Goo’s house and then he came and got me again and played hot potato with me.”

Me:
“Well, that was nice of King Kong to play a game with you, did he say he was sorry for throwing you?”

Liam:
“No, he didn’t and after he played hot potato, he realized he was a big giant human in a King Kong suit and started to stomp across the states and scared people to China.”

Me:
“Wow, he must have been angry!”

Liam:
“Yeah, he was, I don’t want to play hot potato with him anymore, so I thought I would come in here.”

Me:
“Okay, you go sleep on mommy’s side of the bed, I’ll go talk to King Kong.”

Just as soon as I start my coffee.

Another conversation in the backseat of my car:

Liam:
“Hey mommy, did you know that in 100 years, I’m going to be a teenager and you’ll be an old lady!”

Iain:
“Hey Liam, you know that there are teenagers who don’t know how to swim?”

Liam:
“Huh? I even know how to swim!”

Iain:
“Yeah, last year, there was an adult that drowned at the lake!”

Liam:
“A Dot?”

Iain:
“No!, an adult!”

Iain:
“Hey mommy, I’m getting into ‘Mad Scientry’! I’m going to go bald and just have white hair in the back that sticks up and wear crazy glasses and a lab coat.”

Me thinking:
and this has to do with drowning dots?

Me:
“So that is what you want to be when you grow up?”

Iain:
“Yeah, I’m going to be a Mad Scientist!”

Liam:
“I’m going to be a worker, maybe a spaceman, but I want to fly without anything.”

What aspirations! Where’s my coffee?!

Walking to the car one sunny afternoon, the kids and I spotted a very dead and squished squirrel on the road.  After closer inspection, of course, this is the conversation that followed:

Liam:

“Flies eat poop and they’re eating that dead squirrel.”

Iain:

“Yeah, who would want to eat a dead thing?”

Liam:

“Who would want to eat poop?!”

Iain:

“Well, some people kill animals and then they save the bodies.”

Liam:

“oooooooo gross!”

Iain:

“Yeah, they clean out all their guts and stuff.”

Liam:

“Like their brain and stuff?”

Iain:

“Yeah, they throw it out.”

Liam:

“oh, they throw it out the window?”

Iain:

“No, in a trash can.”

Liam:

“Gross!  Who would want a brain in their trash can?!”

Things my boys think are funny:

Farting, burping, pictures of toilets, the word ‘toilet’, the word ‘butt’, the word ‘underwear’,  arm farting.

Things I think are funny again:

Farting, burping, watching my kids laugh at toilets and butts, watching my kids laugh at each other in their underwear, listening to my kids arm fart.

I always hated that word, ‘Fart’, but I have been forced to face down that demon with my sons.  The word ‘Toot’ just isn’t  as effective when discussing flatulence with friends.

A conversation from the backseat drifted to our ears:

Iain:

“You know King Tutankhanem was rich!”

Liam:

“Oh, King Mootenkan?”

Iain:

“Yeah, he was a boy king, he was almost my age.”

Liam:

“What’s he doing now?”

Iain:

“He’s a mummy now.”

Liam:

“Like on Scooby Doo?”

Iain:

“Yeah, except he doesn’t walk around and stuff and besides, the mummies aren’t real on Scooby Doo, they have masks and there’s like old men behind the masks.”

Liam:

“Yeah, but King Mootenkom is old too.”

Iain:

“No, he’s a mummy, mummies don’t get old.”

Liam:

“Yes they do, they rot.”

Iain:

“Yeah, that’s true, but their money doesn’t rot–it’s still good!”

Liam:

“Mommy, do you know when the radio makes those scary warning beeps?”

Me:

“You mean when the National Weather Service comes on?”

Liam:

“Yeah, like:  rrrhu, rrrhu, rrrhu, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” (in a very long and drawn out way)

Me:

“Yes honey, what about them?”

Liam:

“Well, I don’t like it, it always scares me.  Why do the radio people do that?”

Me:

“So that they can get everyone’s attention.  There is something happening in the weather that people need to know so that they can be safe.”

Liam:

“Well I think they should play music instead of the beeps.”

Me:

“Really?  What kind of music?”

Liam:

“Old McDonald Had a Farm!”

Old McDonald Had a Farm

E-I-E-I-O

Put the cows up in the barn

Here comes the tornado!

It was shirts versus skins today.

The coach had to explain to the team that half of them had to take their shirts off.

The giggles and surprise on their faces.

My 8 year old can barely take his shirt off, he’s laughing at the thought.

I couldn’t help but delight in a rite of passage for guys.  Shirts versus skins.  Something we girls just don’t do.

And there they were, the skins, my son included, a huddle of 8 and 9 year old half-naked boys…..arm farting.

The elbows were pumping wildly, the coach completely lost their focus.

Arm farting is yet another male rite of passage, and I must confess, my son is pretty darn good at it.

Am I the only mother who was “arm-farted” Happy Birthday last year?  So proud.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH MY SPECIAL BIRTHDAY GIFT!

Iain:

“Mommy, do you know what would be weird?  If the bath overflowed and water just started trickling down the steps.

And you know, it would be cool if the house was a swimming pool.

No, let’s not do that, but if we turn on all the water, it would run down the steps like a waterfall, and then Angel would perch up on the chandelier.

It would be weird.

Yeah, she would have to perch up there so not to get wet.

Maybe if the water was an inch higher above the dinner table, we can grab our floaties.

Water will be gushing down the steps and it would be like a rapid.

Iain is describing how fish eat:

“Sometimes they go diagonal and swim past their flakes, sometimes they go sideways and swim by fast so that the food sinks a little and then they suck it in their mouths and sometimes they just sit underneath the food and wait for it to sink.

-You know how you go past something fast and you have your mouth open?”

Me thinking:

interesting thought–in a car hanging my head out the window with my mouth open–okay–got the visual:

Iain:

“Yeah, like with popcorn.  I throw it in the air to catch it and I have to move fast with my mouth open.  You have to move fast because you don’t know where it’s going to land, where it’s going to go, and most of the time, it doesn’t work.”

My little philosopher.