krysti.net

Every year, since my oldest son, Iain, was 2 years old, we would go to a little cafe called the Whistle Stop for birthdays and special family occasions.
It was a little ‘hole-in-the-wall’ place with great food, nestled in the mountains.
The charm of this restaurant, especially if you have boys, was that it was train themed and actually had model trains running all around the tables.
Last week, I thought it would be fun to take the boys to Whistle Stop for lunch.
When we arrived, not only was it closed, but it was no longer the Whistle Stop.
Pete’s Pizza Place had arrived and as my son ran out of the car and cupped his hands to the glass, he yelled: “The trains are gone too!!!”
It was a quiet drive home, too quiet.
I looked in the rear view mirror and saw tears running down Iain’s cheeks.
“Honey, it’s okay–we’ll find another special place to go.”
He didn’t speak, he just gazed out of the window.
And when we came home, he went up to his bedroom and cried some more.
I never realized how important a simple family tradition was to him.
In his mind, he had lost the Whistle Stop forever, not realizing that what made it special was our family togetherness, something he could have anywhere.
It was revealing to see how sensitive he was and how easily he is broken when things change.
I could not help but think of the cancer.
What will happen to him when I die?
My heart was suddenly heavy and guilty and burdened with the cancer that could change everything for my sensitive child.
I listened to him crying over a restaurant and imagined what he will be like over me, leaving this life forever.
It was one of the most painful moments of my life, listening to his sadness.
I talk to my children about death, more than most mothers, but only because it is my day to day reality.
I tell them not to be afraid of death, it is only part of the cycle of life.
I have talked to them about my cancer and how I’m fighting very hard to beat it.
But seeing Iain cry over change, wanting things to stay the same and stay in tradition, made me realize that he didn’t need to talk about death, he needed to talk about how death could change his life.
“Iain, honey”,rubbing his back, “Life is about change (death), if you get upset about those changes, you will have a hard time. You need to embrace the changes in your life (mommy dying) and know that it’s okay, life goes on, and you will learn that change is a good thing because you will find and discover new things in your life (college, love, children). Pete’s Pizza Place (life without mommy) is probably a really cool place and I bet Pete would love for us to come to his restaurant for our birthdays (life will be okay without me). You’ll see, it’s okay to be sad about the Whistle Stop (mommy dying), it’s okay to be sad about the changes (death) sometimes, but you will find that the sadness goes away,
you’ll see…..
you’ll see…..”